I don't know about you, but every so often, I wake in the morning full of hope, only to be brought low by some series of daily events, or some memory that simply won't disappear as quickly as it should, and the rest of my day is either me, finding my stiff upper lip and inventing some way to ignore the stormclouds or, me, desperately searching the internet and coaching resources and the historical library of my life for some sign of hope that things aren't really as bad as they seem.
I was a bit heavy on the latter this morning, I admit it. Today was more of a wallowing self-pity party hidden under a cloak of self-improvement research than it was a study in acceptance and forgiveness. Shame, shame, I know my own name... but...
Excuse? Reason?
Well, honestly, despite having had a great weekend that helped me be grateful and confident in all the blessings that underline my life, I just could not stop thinking about an interaction I had with a former friend last week.
Obviously, it wasn't a good interaction, or I'd not be using the word "former" to describe her.
I sat down this morning and I took a little mental inventory of my life. And I've got to tell you, after years of feeling out of control, or at best, somewhat out of control bordering on ready to move to a small island in the south seas, my life is finally starting to feel more like a cozy cardigan with interesting buttons than a pair of wet socks with holes. I often have a sense I've gained a handle on some of the stuff I can get a handle on. I've believe I've made some good, solid choices. I've invited mentors and coaches into my life who I sense will help me be a better person. I have accepted the spiritual side of my being. I've learned to ask for help. I'm getting better at taking risks. I am learning to cook on my George Foreman grill, instead of just eating popcorn for dinner.
After spending yet another day stewing on this deal with my friend, it occurred to me:
1) Yes, it's true, there are two points of view to every situation of this kind, and no, you don't control each other's experience of reality (but I already knew that, darn it!)
and
2) The primary job of an Ending is to create a New Beginning (wait, I knew that already too!!!).
So, what did I actually learn???
Well, I guess closer to the truth is a derivative of the above: Endings are like yoga teachers with a really dark sense of humor. That's why more often that not, they choose to twist you like a pretzel until you are crying and delirious and uncertain which part of your anatomy hurts most, so you can either just start laughing or hope the pain ends by the time you fall asleep. From this position, it's slightly easier to admit you're ready to try something different, no matter how mad about it you might be. Although, it is much, much more difficult to take yourself too seriously.
I love my friend. I would never have imagined or predicted a situation in which we would be so unable to communicate that what had been a good relationship would end up looking terribly like the last few unrefrigerated bites of a month-old tuna casserole. I am angry about this situation. I am even, dare I say it, indignant. I am still absolutely, positively, 100% without a doubt certain, that I AM RIGHT. The under evolved part of me wants to pound my fists and stomp my feet, maybe right into my friend's face, and tell her I AM RIGHT. And the slightly liberated and centered part of me would be more than willing to say, hey, I quite think I'm right, but I really don't care anymore, because I love you and this was all a stupid misunderstanding, and I just want you back as my buddy, life is sooo short, can't we get along?
But neither of those scenarios is going to play out. My friendship with this person is over. And I'm going to try my best to focus on the lesson in that quote instead of how crummy I feel about this loss. I do believe I have that joy inside me. I can feel it rolling around underneath the grumpy, sorrowful, self-pitying cloud. It's time to let it light the way...
Anybody got a tip on how to do that?
*Note: I have a sneaky suspicion I culled that quote from some internet horoscope back in 2005. Does this quasi-cosmic origin lend more or less weight to the sentiments expressed in this post?
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